I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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