I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize