I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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