the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
