I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
