I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
