just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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