I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize