all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
