Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize