I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
