I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
