As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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