we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize