Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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