You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
