Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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