I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
