I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Randomize