i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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