If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
