So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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