im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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