so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
