Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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