Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize