If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
