someone threw a dead crab at me
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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