why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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