I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
