then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
