you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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