if only i could text you this smell
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
