OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If I die, sorry about rent.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
