i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
