I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
