I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
