You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
