Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
