tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
