Girls should come with a carfax report
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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