Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
