Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
