Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
