It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
