If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
