yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize