You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
