NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize