He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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