Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
