I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
high people should be assigned attendants
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
