and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
