My nipple is on Facebook.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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