I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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