he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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