I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize