You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize