did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
