it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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