I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Mom said you looked used
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
