I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
