i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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