I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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