so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Randomize
