My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
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