Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
PANTIES FOUND
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